New Social Interaction Coping

So part of me is like "Naw, who would want to bond with me at all ever." And then the other part is just "BUT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES IS THIS HAPPENING." And I don't know which side to be cautious of.

Like he could just want to be friend-bonding, but he could also be trying to relationship.

If he wanted to friend-bond, that would be great and I would be at ease and have my guard down and be best friends with him. But I don't totally trust that specifically with this guy because he's had three/four girlfriends since sophomore year and he just seems to be the biggest flirt who needs a female because he's bored or something. And I don't want to be with him because he's kinda mean to everyone indirectly and is so incredibly critical. I mean he's kinda nice looking and very smart and very nice to me, but he's an ass.

If he wanted to relationship, I'd have to make sure I'm being as stupid as possible and insure that he see's that I am an incredibly nice, incompetent person so he still wants to be friends after he considers me vile.

But I've never been in any situation like this before so I have literally no idea what I'm supposed to do. Ah. Why him though. Why couldn't it be...someone nice. I would totally have a crush on him if he...had a heart or feeling or apathy.

Disproportional To No End

If I had an ounce of self-esteem, I would totally go to Senior Ball. I would totally go even though I'm a man. I would go and I would wear a dress. But you know, being physiologically disproportional has it's downs. All of it is downs. And it makes me cry at night.

Maybe I would have fun, I don't know, I've never been. But it makes me sad to know that the reason I'm not going for it - and there's absolutely no chance that I will - is because I hate myself. And ain't that a bitch.

I don't even know why anyone talks to me, they have to be seen with me. Especially the beautiful people that acknowledge my existence sometimes. Like man I feel bad for them, poor souls.


SElf LoaHTuibg.

On the up side, I almost ran down the talented one today and his face looks so innocent close up, it's nice. I want to be his friend.

Support Is Nice Sometimes

So you know what's really nice. Having people believe in you. Having people believe that you can be something better even when you fail and can't get into college and have to go to community college because you're a failure. That's a really nice feeling. And I may not have it from the majority of my family, but I have it from my companion and I have it from my teachers.

So the appeal was easier to get started than I thought it would be. I emailed my teachers about writing me a letter of rec and are like "Yeah, homie. We got you." And then my counselor was like "I'll do my thang for you because I believe in u." And that's great because my family is kinda like "You've already failed, why fail again, you piece of shit." I'm paraphrasing.

Ah well. The crying has stopped, but I always have to think about how perfect life would have been if I had gotten into Davis. It would have been perfect. Expensive, but perfect.

No Other Option

I ddon't knowwww wwhat TO do.

I wrote my appeal already, but I don't know how much sympathy I'll be able to get, considering most of my set backs are personal or financial.

I mean, I am doing extravagantly better than the last two years of high school because we're finally settled financially and have a roof over our heads and I can afford things for a majority of the time and I don't have to constantly worry about resources, but I don't know if they'll look at my C in Calculus and be like no even though it's like....it's like Chayo.

Well, an appeal wouldn't hurt. And at least I'm not just giving up, because then I'll regret it all my life.
But if I don't get into UC Davis at this point, and my family remains stubborn and refuses to help me, I'll have to go to a community college. And that would be incredibly horrible because those classes are impacted to no end with kids that were prepared to go to community college and I'm probably not going to be able to get into the classes I need to take and will have to be set back a year or two if I can't finish my general ed. It just wouldn't be an ideal situation.

And my mom's going to be alone. And my sister's leaving. And we can't take that. Who's going to take care of my mom. Who's going to make sure everyone's okay. I'm so afraid.

And I really hope this appeal goes through because this is my last chance. This is my very last chance. And now my entire family is just "Just stay here, give up on the university. Just go to community college. It's easier," but I can't argue with them because I just start crying. Why can't they let me out. Why can't they accept that I don't want to be a nurse or stay in Folsom to get married. I want to do something with my life.

So yes, my devotion to a university is me rebelling in a way. And I hope this dream of mine comes true because once I don't have to rely on them, I'll finally be able to be my own person.

UC Davis

Well. I didn't get in. And that really sucks. I don't think I've ever been this upset before. And I don't know how to deal with this sadness either. I'm not good at this. Davis, you would have been perfect.

I could have been an hour away from my mother, just in case, I would have been close to a lot of other family in the area, and I would have known some people from school, so I wouldn't be completely lost.

But that's gone. And now I'm scared. What if we can't afford me moving. What if something happens to my mom. What if I can't see my family enough. And I won't have a friend anywhere I'm going. I don't want to be all alone.

I don't know what to do.

U'r a Meanie

Mm. I'll be cursing in this one. I can feel it in my soul.

Okay, see...maybe if I didn't procrastinate all week for this vocab quiz, it would have been doable. But I didn't, and apparently neither did most of the students in Physics because apparently they gonn' boycott the damned thing. But that's pretty nonsensical because if they boycott it (by leaving it blank) our physics teacher isn't going to be thoughtful next time he gives us a 50 word vocab quiz, or lessen the number of words we're supposed to do--this man will fail each and every person that doesn't take it and hate them with the passion of the devil and make sure that any contact with any of the students is cold and uncomfortable. Because he really gives no shits about people that annoy him. He will  limit the number of questions a kid can ask if said kid asks questions a lot when he's confused. He will flat out ignore a student if he's walking around the classroom/ He will start cursing loudly and then laughing it off because some sophomores giggled and he thinks he's a comedy god. And he'll call students stupid or idiots if they don't understand something right away. This man is absolutely awful.

And I suppose he's not as cold to me yet because I'm a nobody in his class, but I'm sure he'll get around to it because this idiot expects us to copy notes off the overhead (with no one understanding anything, basically) but if he's having a bad day or is irritable at the moment he won't let us finish the fucking slide and my expression just radiates with anger and hatred because all that shit is going to be on the exam and the answers have to be word for word to get full credit and that bitch. This happened again today, so pardon my language. I'm pissed. And this fucking vocab quiz is just aaugh. I'm sorry, Danielle (because you're the only person that reads my blog). But whatever. Because...you.


And Davis is tomorrow. Ah. I get sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't get in. I feel so hopeless, but my Spanish teacher, that I've known for all of high school now, thinks I'll get in with no problem at all. I said I wanted to go there and she like bobs and nods her head with a "Oh. Oh, of course you'll get in," and I just feel so worthy. But...it's college and you never know.

I'm going to go study now. And finish the last four Government assignments I didn't feel like doing the last two weeks. Ah.

The A to Remember

Davis. Davis is on Friday and dear lord I'm so anxious. I terribly want to get in but my grades are average and my scores are average and my essays were...fine. I just don't want to be forced to attend a school farther away. Because it's not like my family is being real supportive. I mean, all of my older cousins that raised me were like "No. No university 4 u bc u'r poor and whatever." But the thing is, mother isn't making a lot, but that's what grants and loans and all that financial aid is for. And I really don't mind paying off loans after college because, in this day and age, it's completely normal to have years of loans to pay off. And I understand that they had my best interest in mind, but they don't understand how exasperating life is here. And college life is just one step closer to independence and that's what I can't wait to achieve.

Anyways, I wore a dress today. Look at me, all female and what not. That's something. But this is only the second time since elementary school that I've worn a proper dress to school (the first one being forced for a presentation), and the worst part about it was the "J, YOU'RE A GUUURL TODAY. IS IT A BOY? YOU DID IT FOR A BOY. IS [senior male from AP Biology last year] HERE TODAY?" And wouldn't you know, that part was even worse than wearing the actual dress. And wearing a dress is hard enough because I look so un-proportional and my fat was just gross. Crippling self-conscious. That what it is. I hope. I hope it's in my head, and I'm not actually overweight and hideous because what I feel in my head is disgust towards myself. And I feel ashamed about it because healthy people aren't supposed to do that to themselves.

Anyways, The Talented One wasn't at our lunch today, so I didn't get to see him. Which is not the reason I was wearing the dress in the first place, ok. I'm sort of relieved he didn't see me at lunch because that fat was actually incredibly disgusting and he wouldn't have said Hi to me ever again.

Oh, and Calculus teacher was so nice today when he saw me and remembered the A and that's so nice (I'm going to name this post after that because that's never happening again) and he's such a good teacher. I hope he doesn't die ever. His birthday is tomorrow though. His legitimate birthday, ok, is on Pi Day. I don't care if four other math teachers' birthdays are on Pi Day, his is the only legitimate one. He could buy the birthday if he wanted anyways.

And now I have to go take a shower which is horrible because showers are so tiring and then I need to go over the 51 physics vocab words and then I have to fill out things for PE and then scrape together money to buy styrofoam planes and there really isn't that much to do, I just want it to be Friday really soon. And everything is just in the middle of my journey to Friday and Davis. Ah.

Can't Even Function

Oh my lord. Sweet Jesus, have mercy.




The Talented One said hi to me on our usual route.

Oh my god. Do you understand how much I cannot process that.

He's a somebody. A very pleasant, ambitious, talented somebody, and I'm just an overweight blogger with absolutely no non-career goals or ability of any kind.


I feel so cool. And not hideous because if he said something to me, that would mean I don't offend him with my face and love handles and ah.

Ah.
Ah.
And I missed 10 out of 300 on the Calculus test today which is just a ahh.

And I got a new dress today and I don't look too chubby in it and I'm kind of excited to wear it tomorrow.


And I see The Talented One tomorrow. Which means nothing. But maybe he'll say hi even harder tomorrow if I don't look homeless. Ah.



GOOD DAY.




And UC Davis letters come out Friday, so I might be a little extremely bummed if I don't get accepted...

Too Many of Book

So many books, so incredibly lazy and easily disinterested.

I remember life pre-honors/AP English. It was fine, it was simple, and I wasn't forced to read a single book because Sparknotes was a thing. I didn't read the books I was being forced to read, but read weird looking books that I would be recommended every other day or so. But then...oh but then it was serious business.

It was Great Expectations that really stuck with me. Who gives that as reading material to a freshman. I mean we're already terrified of learning and honors classes and high school and then you give us that tortuous lump of satanism.

Anyways, I can't do with being forced to read a book, especially when you have to read a given amount of pages/chapters in a given amount of days, or write a given amount of paragraphs on a given amount of reading...it's just so regular. I mean, a book doesn't need action or murder or actual drama, but can't it at least have some suspense? Something that would leave me wanting more. Like foreplay, but in book form. I want to make love with a book's plot and it's characters, but I can't do that if I'm not sexually attracted to the book in the first place, or if it's over before we even started. Because having regular assignments and reading material makes me think nothing of absolute extravagance will happen in any of the given chapters and I'm left to simply Sparknote it or just collect everything from the discussions in class. Or I just can't finish the chapters in that little time that they give us. This is why summer reading is easier--because you read the book on your own time, thoroughly enjoy the plot and ship certain characters and then you get back to school and you get to write an essay on it. I mean, it's just more fun that way. It isn't an assignment, it's an adventure. And then an essay.

But then you find those absolutely flawless books once or twice a year and life's just happiness and love. To be specific, Ender's Game, Brave New World, Cat's Cradle, and Look Me In The Eye were the best books I have ever read/the best books I have ever been assigned to read.

Oh and now that I'm in normal English this year, I have so much time for other books. and it's kinda cool, but I've forgotten every single book I've ever wanted to read. I tried reading the Harry Potter series, but it's kinda difficult when it's all simple (I'm not used to that simple syntax anymore) and I've seen every movie about fifteen different times since I was eight. And I know, I know, "But J, the books are like a god given gift bestowed to the world by the great ruler and master, J.K. Rowling!"--I am aware. I'll read them eventually.

Ugh, I'm sorry if all of my writing goes off on tangents of rants or other thought processes, it's just how I think and then all these thoughts come rushing at once and I just don't know how to properly incorporate all of my thoughts into a seamless blog post.

But then again, it's my blog and no one expects anything. Which makes this blog so much more relaxing. Thank you, Blogger.

Less Hateful, Maybe?

Okay, so on the exterior I may seem like a feeling-less, hateful son of a bitch, but I'm pretty sure that deep, deep down, below the nonsensical annoyance and intolerance, I'm actually quite the feeler. 

I mean, I haven't really been given the chance to feel something for someone in a relationship or anything, because I have the allure of Hello Kitty, but I think if I were given the chance to love someone...it would be pretty hardcore love. 

The Talented One

Alright, guys. There's like guys. And as a perpetually friend-zoned hunk of lard, I have a right to have multiple crushes because they don't want me and I am not really trying anyways. I'm just going to describe them and their pros and cons because I really enjoy thinking about them.

#1. Okay.

--The Talented One--

This kid. This kid. He sings (in Jazz Choir), he acts (a staple in our school performances), he dances (taps, specifically, because he did it in a play once and wow), he's an active member and officer of a prestigious club at our school (I get emails from him because he's secretary with his name and like yes), he takes multiple AP classes (that I was damned never to have with him ever because I'm unworthy), and dear lord dear god he's a hunk (in no sense of the word, I just needed a noun that would be comparative to how I think of him). Man. And he's so kind. Like I walk down the hall when I'm going to Physics and he's going to English and he always smiles at me and that's just a superb smile in the first place, but he actually smiles at me and I love when people smile at me like yes please. Oh. And in the play that we just had (in which he was one of the protagonists) he did this thing where he pushed his hair back, quite significantly, while flashing a smile and I don't think he understands what he did to every girls' ovaries in that theater because people were moaning in the audience.

Ah. And he's so wonderful in every aspect it's fabulous. But. But, and this shall not hinder my attraction to him in any way, I learned that his chest hair grows sparsely on the nape of his neck just about two weeks ago. I mean, it really doesn't matter, I was just taken aback because all of this perfection and then bam, sparse neck hair.

But honestly, he's going to have a brilliant life because he's ambitious, has great character, and is honest to god an amazing performer/person. I hope he ends up with someone just as absolutely lovely as he.

Yeah. I'll leave you with this spectacular guy's description for today.

CALAsuL

So second post today because I was initially very, very sad, but I had to reintroduce myself.

We took a Calculus test today. And you know what's the worst part? It was a retake. It was a test that our teacher gave us because half of his Calculus AB students didn't finish it. And I was in the half that did. I was in the half that did, and I was cool with it. I mean, it wasn't great, but it was fine. My name was on the board and everything. But today we took the test and I blanked. I didn't study the night before, but I studied first period and everything was easy. They were (as always) stupid mistakes like putting r^2 instead of r^3, or putting in the wrong intervals, or missing a negative sign. Pathetic mistakes that landed me with a C.

But our grades went up today and I failed. I flat out failed. There were twelve problems and I missed four. And he made a point to make sure we didn't get partial credit--it was all or nothing. And he had this new rule where if the problem was on the homework and we got it wrong, he would mark us off 150% of what the problem is worth. So I either missed 4.48 problems, or I missed like 3. Which is fantastic. Because I now have a 71%. And if I get a D, my acceptances will be revoked. And wow. No. I never even imagined that could happen.

I'm just in awe right now. But we have a test next week that I know I can get an A on, but I'll end up getting a  C on...because I always do. Or an F, you never know. My brain's mixing it up right now. Making life interesting.

Terrified.

Hi, everyone. So I began this blog sophomore year, right? Well there were two posts on this blog, but they were perfectly horrid. I mean it was before I was the senior me and before the junior me, it was plain terrifying. Gross. 

And oh my goodness, this blog's name has to change because that's just no. I have a Tumblr, so I guess I'll just revert everything on this blog to the theme I have going on on my other blog (which is awesome because I'm less me in it, so you should go follow me, homie). 

Okay, well it's senior year, right? So acceptance letters are coming out and AP testing's about to begin and finals are just around the corner and all of this is happening right now. And I've been accepted to two colleges, no biggie, but UC letters are coming out at the end of the month and I just terribly want to get into UC Davis, but I'm afraid my initial slacking coming into high school put a burden on my application and they're just not going to like me. And that's terrifying. I mean, I could be rejected from Irvine and San Diego as well, and that possibility gets me no sleep at night. 

And it wasn't even that I was a bad student all of high school, I just completely believed I was expected to go to a JC and I had absolutely no chance at a university. I did the bare minimum and didn't care too much if I got a B here or there, it was no big deal, right? Because I was going to community college? Well that didn't exactly work out. A week before applications opened, my brain (my very very close companion) and my closest cousin said I had a chance. And that's all it took. 

Needless to say, I was not prepared, nor was I knowledgeable of any of the processes or steps needed to be taken to get into a college. I was entirely lost. 

Anyways. I got into SDSU (Honors Program that I didn't sign up for because that was in February and I still needed more letters) and Cal Poly Pomona. Those were no problem, I think. But I oh so terribly want to get into Davis. I mean I would gladly hand over my uterus.