HeHehahohoHa

This week's going to be amazing. Gov notebook due Tuesday, Psych final Wednesday, AP Calculus Final Thursday second period, and a test in Physics with a formula sheet T-shirt due as well. Mehehehh.

But trying out this new positive thing, right. I want to not be sad with people all the time because I've noticed that they've become sadder as well and then the conversation is nonexistent and instead there are complaints and moans. I mean, I at least try to be happy and full of energy. People around me just stop trying altogether. Maybe I'll do better on tests too. Because self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

Anyways, so there's this boi. He's great. He's funny and intelligent and comfortable to be around. And this kid made small talk with me last Friday and it was really sweet and aw. Haha, he's chill. I enjoy his company.

That's all. Have a nice day. 

Update On De Boi (And Calculus)

Now I should be working on Calculus. But I feel like I should give up on all of it because it's a free-response test and I suck so hard on those tests because numbers are satanic and have no right to be longer than two digits. Bum Bum Bum.

Okay, remember when I wrote about that kid who asked me to coffee like three posts ago or something? Yeah, well he's really nice to me. And it's really getting to me because I find him attractive when he's not being mean and that could end up horribly for me. Because he dates, and I don't date, and he's going to college on the east coast at some Ivy League to become an emergency room surgeon, and I'm staying in Folsom because I got rejected from my UCs to become God knows what, and school ends in like a month so him getting all close to me will probably hurt in some way. And I'm not experienced in handling hurt from like...a boy because they really play no part in my life. But according to the movies, I will cry for days even if I'm dating him for like a week and I'll get fat and I'll have my soul ripped from my lifeless body because I can't stand the pain. But then again, I'm a man who don't need no man and doesn't care for a man. So this can go two different ways.

But eh. I suppose it doesn't matter. He saw me in a skirt Friday. And my fat was clearly bulging from my shirt. And my hair looked all nasty and sweaty. And my face was just nasty. And he looked all spiffy at the table across the room from where he could clearly see me. So maybe it turned him off. Wee.



He texted me yesterday afternoon though, so maybe he still wants to be friends with a ugly. Wee.

The BBC Gives Me Gastric Distress

You guys. You guys. Ah. Eleven's going to die soon. His song is ending. This Time Lord is leaving the building because it's due time for a regeneration and do you know how much my stomach hurts just from thinking about it. I mean...it'll be the first regeneration I'l experience live with everyone else since I began the series. You see, all the regenerations I've witnessed on Netflix are followed by episodes that continue on where the season leaves off, so I don't have to wait for the next season to begin with the new Doctor. I'd just pick right up. But this means if I watch with everyone else--Eleven's regeneration--then I'll be so bitter and full of sorrow and angst because I'm going to miss Matt Smith so much and I'll have all these negative thoughts of the new doctor and think of him as ugly and not fun or not wonderful until I actually see him in action do you understand how heartbroken I'm going to be after season 7 ends. So heartbroken.

50th Anniversary episode's going to be absolutely brilliant, but I'm going to have stomach pains throughout the entire thing because I'll know it'll be ending and I'll have to wait basically three years until the next season I mean, really, it's happened with Sherlock and it's going to happen with this flawless show.

But whoever Twelve's going to be will probably be excellent because Russell T. Davis and Steven Moffat did an impeccable job with David Tennant and Matt Smith, so I should be calm. I know I should be calm, but I can't possibly be calm.

But 50th Anniversary. Eleven, Clara, Rose, Ten, Jenny, Captain Jack. Good. But Donna's not coming back and I want to hurt somebody. Maybe Wilfred will join in, maybe. That would make my stomach bubble with love and joy and I can just remember him crying and reaching out toward the Doctor with his little old man heart of love and compassion ah.

Here's to Doctor Who.

Probably Attention-Seeking

So we were learning about psychological disorders in Psych last month. You know, like major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and all that fun stuff. And you know how when you read something your brain sometimes just "That's me, that's all me" but you don't really know because you know that your brain is doing this and you think you're probably just being self-centered and you should stop thinking about it because it's probably wrong and you're being melodramatic?

Well that happened to me when I read about depression. Not like bipolar disorder, but just...depression. Because of all the symptoms and characteristics, you know. Right? Right. And it's a genetic disorder. And my mother had clinical depression. And she's better now because she takes medicine. And I just want to know if the medicine would make me better. It would be so nice to be better.

But I don't want to tell my mom because she'll say I'm being stupid. And I can't ask one of my classmates how she was diagnosed because she would think I'm being attention-seeking. And I can't talk to a professional without thinking I'm just being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing. And I don't know, I'm just being stupid and ridiculous and desperate.

Because maybe then I could look at my reflection without dying inside. And I could go out with friends without wanting to just stop and go home because they're annoying me and I don't fit in. Or I could come home from school and be productive and lively instead of getting bored with my life and falling asleep. And I could think about my future with hope and plan farther ahead than two months because I know my plans never go according to plan and there's no use planning that far into the future. I just want to happy. And feel worthy. And I want to stop thinking I'm being an idiot thinking I'm something other than normal. People are probably going through the same thing as me and they just deal with it. Fine. Then I want to be able to deal with it like everyone else. Why can't I just be like everyone else.

Don't Relationship. It's Easier That Way.

See I wouldn't mind a relationship if I really really really enjoy their presence and they make me feel comfortable but I'm not going to say yes to something if I'm not completely sure of it even if I have the biggest crush on them ever because high school is hormones and it's ending and everyone's leaving so what's the point of it anyways like do you just want a Senior Ball date because then you're just wasting your time because I sure as hell am not going to that.

New Social Interaction Coping

So part of me is like "Naw, who would want to bond with me at all ever." And then the other part is just "BUT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES IS THIS HAPPENING." And I don't know which side to be cautious of.

Like he could just want to be friend-bonding, but he could also be trying to relationship.

If he wanted to friend-bond, that would be great and I would be at ease and have my guard down and be best friends with him. But I don't totally trust that specifically with this guy because he's had three/four girlfriends since sophomore year and he just seems to be the biggest flirt who needs a female because he's bored or something. And I don't want to be with him because he's kinda mean to everyone indirectly and is so incredibly critical. I mean he's kinda nice looking and very smart and very nice to me, but he's an ass.

If he wanted to relationship, I'd have to make sure I'm being as stupid as possible and insure that he see's that I am an incredibly nice, incompetent person so he still wants to be friends after he considers me vile.

But I've never been in any situation like this before so I have literally no idea what I'm supposed to do. Ah. Why him though. Why couldn't it be...someone nice. I would totally have a crush on him if he...had a heart or feeling or apathy.

Disproportional To No End

If I had an ounce of self-esteem, I would totally go to Senior Ball. I would totally go even though I'm a man. I would go and I would wear a dress. But you know, being physiologically disproportional has it's downs. All of it is downs. And it makes me cry at night.

Maybe I would have fun, I don't know, I've never been. But it makes me sad to know that the reason I'm not going for it - and there's absolutely no chance that I will - is because I hate myself. And ain't that a bitch.

I don't even know why anyone talks to me, they have to be seen with me. Especially the beautiful people that acknowledge my existence sometimes. Like man I feel bad for them, poor souls.


SElf LoaHTuibg.

On the up side, I almost ran down the talented one today and his face looks so innocent close up, it's nice. I want to be his friend.