Probably Attention-Seeking

So we were learning about psychological disorders in Psych last month. You know, like major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and all that fun stuff. And you know how when you read something your brain sometimes just "That's me, that's all me" but you don't really know because you know that your brain is doing this and you think you're probably just being self-centered and you should stop thinking about it because it's probably wrong and you're being melodramatic?

Well that happened to me when I read about depression. Not like bipolar disorder, but just...depression. Because of all the symptoms and characteristics, you know. Right? Right. And it's a genetic disorder. And my mother had clinical depression. And she's better now because she takes medicine. And I just want to know if the medicine would make me better. It would be so nice to be better.

But I don't want to tell my mom because she'll say I'm being stupid. And I can't ask one of my classmates how she was diagnosed because she would think I'm being attention-seeking. And I can't talk to a professional without thinking I'm just being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing. And I don't know, I'm just being stupid and ridiculous and desperate.

Because maybe then I could look at my reflection without dying inside. And I could go out with friends without wanting to just stop and go home because they're annoying me and I don't fit in. Or I could come home from school and be productive and lively instead of getting bored with my life and falling asleep. And I could think about my future with hope and plan farther ahead than two months because I know my plans never go according to plan and there's no use planning that far into the future. I just want to happy. And feel worthy. And I want to stop thinking I'm being an idiot thinking I'm something other than normal. People are probably going through the same thing as me and they just deal with it. Fine. Then I want to be able to deal with it like everyone else. Why can't I just be like everyone else.